Announcer: Cmt presents
Ron white's comedy salute to the troops.
Starring ron white.
With special guests: Kathleen madigan,
John pinette, jake johannsen, and mike wilmot.
And now, please welcome to the stage, ron white.
[cheers and applause]
Ron: Thank you very much.
Hello, everybody. I'm ron white.
How the hell are you? (cheering)
Well, here we are again at the famous grand ole opry house
In nashville by god tennessee. (audience cheers)
I've joined forces with cmt and the armed forces foundation
And five funny people you're about to meet
For my second annual comedy salute to the troops
Benefiting veterans who are in need.
This is the best way I know to say thank you to everyone
Who has ever worn a military uniform.
Sounds like you guys are in a good mood.
Clap if you recently returned home from iraq or afghanistan.
Let's hear it. Where are they?
(audience cheering) right here.
There's my party people right there.
This is for you.
Cheers.
[applause]
Ron: We have a great list of comics that I handpicked
'cause I knew they'd deliver a truckload of funny,
So what do you say let's get this damn thing
Going right now.
Let's do it.
Uh, this comedian, folks is a dear, dear friend of mine
And I love her.
She was on last year's salute to the troops
And now the iraq war is over.
Coincidence? You tell me.
Either way, I brought her back because she cracks me up,
And here she comes right now, folks.
Let her hear you.
Feel the love, kathleen madigan.
[applause]
Kathleen: Nashville,
I am originally from st. Louis, missouri.
(audience: Whoo!) well, thank you.
I'll take that.
I just spent two weeks with my parents
Who are getting much older and I went to their house
And unbeknownst to me they had changed
All the light bulbs in the house
Into those energy saving light bulbs.
So I walk in and they're sitting in this really weird
Dim lighting and I was like
"hey guys, are we having a séance?"
My dad goes "no we're not.
Your mother thought it would be a good idea kathleen
At our age when our eyesight is failing to make the house
As dimly lit as possible kathleen
Because she's upset because al gore is upset
Because there aren't any more polar bears.
Well you know what?
I'm 70 years old.
I don't give a (beep) if I ever see a polar bear kathleen.
What I'd like to see is the coffee table.
That's what I'd like to see."
Wow! It's going to be a long two weeks.
Most of the time now they just sit on the couch
And go like this and go
"how do you think we would look with face lifts?"
What's weird is they're so old when they let go
It stays like that.
I'm like just do that before you go out.
It looks awesome.
St. Louis is not a healthy city.
It is a city built on beer and burgers and cigs
And that's what I prefer.
We are so unhealthy.
My little sister moved to seattle
And when she got there,
She saw everyone on bicycles and she just assumed
They had all gotten dui's.
She was horrified.
I'm like, we can't even fathom riding a bicycle
Without a court order.
It's like what?
A lot of vegetarians in los angeles.
I am not.
And they always have to say something,
Which is what bothers me.
Like I don't say anything when they order their bowl of dirt
Or whatever it is they're eating.
I say nothing. It's none of my business.
But they always make a comment, "ooh a steak.
Really kathleen, you're going to have a steak?"
"yeah. Yep.
I might have a hot dog for dessert.
I don't give a (bleep)."
And then they always want to ruin that.
"ooh, a hot dog.
Do you know what's in a hot dog?"
"shhh. No, I don't.
Shut up. Shut up.
I don't care if my own dog is in a hot dog.
That's how much I love hot dogs."
And then they always try the emotional route.
"ooh, well I don't know kathleen.
I don't think it's nice.
I don't think god meant for us to eat cows."
"well then, I think he should have made
Them harder to catch."
[applause]
You don't see anybody eating cheetah burgers do you?
No.
They could be delicious, but at 60 miles an hour,
Who has the energy to deal with that?
A cheetah farm would be unmanageable.
It's ridiculous.
I'm just not healthy.
I go to the gym. I don't want to go.
And I switched gyms
And the young girl that signs you up,
She's all happy and excited.
She's like, "okay kathleen,
So what are your goals for this year?"
I'm like, "I don't have any goals.
I am not here for offense.
I am here for defense only."
She goes, "well, we have to write something."
I go, "okay, write this.
I am here to delay the date
And severity of my impending stroke."
She was like, "we won't write that.
That's not happy.
This is a happy place, kathleen."
No, it's not fun to me. No, it's not.
A bar is fun. That's fun. A gym, not fun.
I've never stayed so long at a gym that I got kicked out.
That has never, ever happened.
[applause]
I've never worked out so hard that somebody
Had to take my keys 'cause I was crazy.
[laughter]
No, I'm going to leave this gym and go smoke a cigarette.
It's just trying to offset stuff.
Smoking is not good in los angeles.
People are so mean.
I got yelled at smoking in an alley.
I was in an alley with two homeless guys
And a man in a trash can.
These were my new three bff's for the next eight minutes
And the one guy was clearly schizophrenic,
But what was alarming is he kept yelling out random things
And the things he yelled out not only did I agree with,
I got excited about.
Weird stuff.
"grape soda is delicious
And nobody thinks to buy it anymore."
He's totally right.
I love grape soda.
And I know smoking is not good.
And I love it when people who have never been addicted
To something try to tell an addict how to quit something,
Because they mean well,
But they're usually so far off the mark.
My friend shay, "kathleen, that smoking is terrible.
You should try yoga."
But I'm open-minded.
Well, then I went and got the yoga pants
And those are so comfortable I never left the house.
I was like oh my god, what are these made of, a baby's ass?
How is this legal?
Why were these $8 at marshalls?
All of my clothes should be made out of this.
I am going to lay here and smoke every cigarette
In this house in these pants.
I know I'm lazy.
I feel even lazier when I turn on the news.
Like every time you turn on the news
There's protestors somewhere, right?
And I look at them and I go, "look at those people.
Look at all the energy they have."
All I know is that I am not yet angry enough
About anything to camp.
If you're going to have a little something
At the radisson around 5:00, give me a holler.
Maybe I'll show up.
If you have white wine,
I'll sign (bleep) and give you money, I know myself.
Obama makes me feel lethargic and lazy
Because every time I turn on the tv
And see him speaking he's going
"america, I'm going to need your help on this."
I'm like, "dude, we are busy and (bleep), okay?
The ticket didn't say obama/madigan.
It said obama/biden.
So if you need some help,
You go get that drunk smiling irishman out of a bar,
Tell him chop chop."
[cheering and applause]
I think obama overestimates
The knowledge of the general public
'cause I even watch politics and I don't know
What he's talking about half the time.
A few months ago he's like,
"if you agree with this policy, I'm going to need you
To email your congressman and representatives."
I'm like, "well then I'm going to need you
To email me who they are."
[laughter]
And if you can include a link and a click box,
You will greatly improve your chances
Of me helping you out with this little task.
Then I think like maybe I'm depressed or something.
Like all these politicians when they give their speeches,
All of them, republicans and democrats,
All of them at some point will go,
"america is a place where your dreams can come true."
And I think, oh my god.
Clearly these people have never taken an ambien
And drank half a bottle of wine.
I do not want my dreams to come true, sir.
Last week I was in alaska wearing a sombrero
And it was raining cheetos and I couldn't find my mouth
And that went on for an hour and a half.
It was exhausting.
Illegal immigration, why are we still talking about it?
Nothing changes. Nothing.
And in one of the republican debates,
Recently seven out of nine people on the stage said
That they would send
All eleven million of them back to mexico.
And the moderator just kept on with the questions
And I'm like no, back up.
How are you going to do that?
How are we going to transport
Eleven million people back to mexico?
And then I actually had a really good idea.
I was like, wait a minute.
I think I have the answer.
My parents are retired and they love to drive.
[laughter]
And they need prescription medicine
At bottom basement prices
And that's what mexico has to offer.
So, five at a time in the back of jack and vickie's cadillac,
That's how we start,
Because I guarantee you after spending thirty hours
In the backseat of my parent's car,
Those mexicans will never ever return to this country.
That's how awful it would be.
And the other thing I never understand,
I don't understand why we're still talking about it, is guns.
What kind of regulations are we going to have?
None. None.
And I'm from the midwest. I'm fine with guns.
Everyone in my family has a gun.
But like machine guns, like that always seems a bit crazy to me.
And my missouri friends will defend it,
"kathleen, machine guns are fine.
It is not guns that kill people, kathleen.
It is people that kill people."
I know, but machine guns kill an ass load more people.
How hard is this to gather?
Can we just limit the carnage at the mall?
That's all I'm asking.
Because the lesser the weapon, the fewer the people will die.
That's just a fact.
I mean, let's take it to the most basic argument.
Let's say I walked into wal-mart with a tomahawk.
I could probably get the greeter, right,
Because they're old and they don't know.
But that would be the end of my spree.
Someone would stop me.
It wouldn't even be a spree.
It would just be a weird story in the paper on page eight.
'short lady goes into wal-mart with outdated weapon, hits bob.
He'll be back at work on Thursday.
Weird scar. Don't stare.'
Alright, you guys, I've got to go.
Thank you so much for laughing.
Enjoy the rest of the show.
Thank you to all the troops. We appreciate everything.
Good night. Thank you. (applause)
Announcer: Up next...
When women impersonate men, it's always that retarded voice.
And he says...(nagging sound)
So come on.
Announcer: And later...
...And I asked him, where did you go to college?
He goes, brigham young.
I am like, (bleep) dude, turn it up to catholic.
Ware at fort benning.
Full of some fine young men and women
That are defending our country.
Ron coming today, it was stupendous.
Having ron come talk to us today is a huge deal.
Ron: My affiliation with the armed forces foundation
Came when they invited the blue collar comedy tour
To visit some soldiers and I visited with a young man
Who was holding his two year old daughter
In the only limb he has left.
I believe in what they're doing for these soldiers.
I believe it needs to be done. I love the way they do it.
- Ron: Cheers. - Soldiers: (yelling)
[cheering and applause]
In order to be a good comedian,
You've got to be a little off,
And this next comic is just that.
He's canadian.
And I know you're going to love him
Because he's here illegally.
Please give a big round of applause
For the hilarious mike wilmot.
[cheering and applause]
How are you doing?
It's nice to be here.
That's what comedians say when you come on.
It's nice to be here.
Many of them are lying when they say this,
But it's nice to be here. I'll tell you why.
My wife/girlfriend/person I'm with recently turned 51
And she's premenopausal.
So (bleep), is it ever nice to be here.
Hundreds, hundreds of miles away from a crazy, crazy woman.
I'm telling you, man.
If she was a building, she'd be condemned.
Her electrical, her plumbing, it's all shot.
We've been together now 26 years.
Please don't applaud. You have no idea.
You've never met her, no.
When you're with someone for 26 years, it's not love.
Now as we all know, love, as they say is fleeting,
But spite, that sticks.
I'm not leaving her.
That would make her happy.
So there's no way that's going to happen.
I'm in it for the long haul, man.
I can't wait till I can fake dementia.
[laughter]
It is a pleasure to be here.
I'm a drinking friend of ron.
Actually, this is my first time doing comedy.
I love to drink.
And I've always found it depends on where you are
As to whether or not you have a problem.
For instance, in l.A. I'm an alcoholic.
In canada, I'm a drinker.
Here, I'm fine.
And in ireland, I'm a (bleep).
So it all depends on where you go.
My god.
I have never been that drunk in my life.
In dublin a couple of years ago,
I got so drunk I fell off the back of a barstool.
Not because I was this kind of drunk.
It was just for a brief moment.
I thought there was a back on the barstool.
I was just telling some horse(bleep) story,
"well, you know, then my buddy and I decided..."
And I just disappeared from view.
But god bless the irish.
They don't make fun of you if you fall off a barstool.
They just pick you up, dust you off
And put you back on that barstool.
Then they all line up and tell you the story about
When they fell off the barstool.
And then fiddles come out of nowhere and they sing a song
About what just happened.
(sings) "he fell off a barstool,
Yes he did, we just saw it. Blah, blah."
That doesn't actually happen.
But 26 years with the same woman,
I'll tell you ladies and gentlemen,
I wake up every morning and I think you know,
As I walk down the stairs I think,
"I'm going to kill her today.
I'm going to sneak up behind her,
Hit her in the head with a shovel.
She won't see it coming."
And I know she's walking
Down the stairs behind me every day,
"I'm going to push this fat bastard down the stairs.
Lazy son of a bitch.
He never puts his stuff away.
He puts wet towels on things.
I'm going to put a fork in his eye and watch him rot."
And then we circle each other in the kitchen
Spitting fire and hate.
And then we have tea and toast and everything's better.
And that's why breakfast is
The most important meal of the day.
[cheering and applause]
That's the only thing that keeps us all together,
A good breakfast.
I've never actually been a big believer
That women and men are that different.
I've never noticed that much of a difference.
There's one difference I've noticed over the years
Between men and women is when women get drunk they come home.
They're never afraid of home.
Drunk women love their home. (female: Yeah!)
There's one here.
You stand in your living room,
'these are all my little spoons.
From around the world,
These little spoons have never left my kitchen.
These spoons have traveled.'
Men don't come home because women are there.
Men stand outside of our own homes at 2:00 in the morning
Practicing the word 'hello' to get in.
You know, just standing in the bush
Looking at your house...
"hello-o-a-o."
No, no. No.
"hal-lo!
Hello! Hello!
Howdy. No, don't howdy.
Only drunk people say howdy.
I might as well just break a window, (bleep) off.
You don't say howdy.
(with accent) hello. Hello.
I live in England a lot and now when I'm drunk,
I just acquire this bull(bleep) english accent out of nowhere
Because it sounds more theatrical than drunk.
"hello.
Hello, my love."
Now I'm like richard burton coming home,
"martha come running at me,
Your melons bobbling, your kimono flying."
[laughter]
Then I do her voice.
(nagging sound) sadly that's how men impersonate women,
All women... Mothers, sisters, girlfriends and wives.
(nagging sound) which is fair,
Because when women impersonate men,
It's always that retarded voice.
And he says...(nagging sound)
So come on.
You're not different. You're not different!
(imitating men and women voices) that's my house.
That's my home.
[imitates voices]
[laughter]
[imitates voices]
No... Ha, ha, ha!
(with english accent) your beauty alone intoxicates me.
Then I sleep in the basement next to the furnace.
In a drunk man way, when you just look at that furnace
And you think I wanted to sleep here.
This was my idea.
She had a breast reduction a few months ago.
I was against it.
They're all perky and I liked these big ole ones.
I didn't want them perky. I wanted them fun.
Big ole, oh I miss them.
I missed them in the morning
When she would have her head in the fridge in a nighty
And then the light would come through the fridge door
And there they were just...
[laughter]
That kinetic energy, men love that (bleep).
Many of us have toys on our desks that sort of do that.
Big ole breast reduction.
I couldn't say anything, it's her body.
Man, I can't say (bleep).
It was horrible.
It was like having two friends on death row
[laughter]
And you don't know the governor's number.
You're just outside the hospital late at night with a candle.
'they didn't do anything to anybody!'
So, I fly back... I'm flying to australia on Friday.
Good people, australians.
We're going to melbourne.
There's horrible fires north of melbourne and flooding
And all this (beep).
My old lady - and when I say 'old lady' women
Don't get all (beep.)
I'm her 'old man' so please don't form a giant woman
And come up here and attack me.
[laughing]
I've always had that fear of women.
You (beep) off more than five
They just morph into a big one.
[laughter]
Some five woman woman just come at you.
She read in the newspaper
Because of these fires and floods
Some of the wilder animals are coming into the city center.
Said I don't want to go now.
There's wild animals coming into the city center.
Said honey, we're on the 18th floor of the hotel.
Even if the crocodile was lucky enough to press 18,
He still has to slide a card in and out first.
He can't do that.
He doesn't have a thumb.
Good people. Australians are fun.
They remind me, again as a canadian,
They remind me of sort of weird canadians.
They tend to brag about animals that can kill you.
And canadians are as bad.
I'm sure this part of the world we always try
To scare our tourists with a bear story.
"watch out for the bears though.
They'll rip your face off. That's all they do.
They're everywhere.
There's four of them behind me now."
But the animals that can kill you in australia
Can hide in your shoe.
(beep) that.
That's terrifying because back here in north america
If you ever saw a bear in a shoe
You'd know pretty well right away it was a bear,
Even if he was wearing two and he's trying to fit in.
Walking around the picnic table,
'I'm not a bear. I've got the shoes.
Hug me human.
I mean fellow human.'
See I sort of (beep) that joke up
By talking a bit too long as a bear
And I can see your faces going bears don't talk.
Where the (beep) is he going with this?
This doesn't make any sense.
Well you don't know.
Maybe bears talk.
And maybe they whisper.
You don't find out bears talk till they're close.
Just on the other side of the tent,
"we can talk."
Roar! And then they rip your face off.
And the next thing you know you're in heaven going
"(beep), bears talk!"
Which... I'm pretty well sure
That's not yelled out in heaven a lot
When you arrive in heaven.
But that will turn some heads in heaven that day.
"bears talk!" and then god will put your face back on.
I'm not a religious person.
If there are religious people
I'm sure if you believe in a heaven
There's the principle of heaven right there.
If you died as a result of someone ripping your face off
When you get to heaven god puts your face back on.
I wonder if that's what michael jackson went through
Just for like a day or two.
I'm kidding. Shut up.
It's a joke. Stop it... Stop it.
Come on... Come on. It's a joke.
He went to hell. He touched kids.
Come on.... Come on. Come on.
What's wrong with you?
Get your head out of there.
He was a moonwalking pedophile.
That's scarier than a bear in shoes when you think about it.
[audience laughing]
Just when you think he's finally leaving the house
He's sneaking into the kids' room.
You know what I mean? It's horrible. Stop it!
[audience cheering]
Ladies and gentlemen, as a canadian
I'd like to salute the troops here,
Because if it wasn't for the troops,
There wouldn't be a canada.
So thank you.
God bless you. Good night.
[applause]
Announcer: Coming up...
...And bedding is going. The hamster's like, "yeah."
The woodblock is hitting him in the head, "this is living!"
Announcer: And later...
I am adorable.
I look like a bob's big boy come to life.
Does this come in an extra large?
They let me drive the bradley armor tank.
I suggest you get out of the way.
[tank motor and music]
I already had this erection before we started.
[laughing]
[cheering and applause]
This comedian who I admire
Has been on the david letterman show
More times than david letterman, actually.
Every time I see the guy perform,
I laugh my lungs clean.
[laughter]
You can see him in theaters all over america,
But right now we got him here.
Please welcome to the stage, nashville, jake johannsen.
[cheering and applause]
Wow. Thank you, ron, and thank you everybody.
I hate to seem like a (bleep) up but there's I think 1,000
Service men and women in the crowd.
Normally I don't perform for that many people
Who could just kick my ass.
So seriously, thank you.
As a comedian, you're always trying to think of like
What am I not supposed to say in this situation.
But then that's tough now because don't ask don't tell...
You can totally ask and totally tell.
So let's go ahead.
If you're in the service, clap if you're gay.
Oh, I didn't think so.
A couple of people, that's great.
It's okay. (cheering) yeah.
I was disappointed when they got rid
Of the don't ask don't tell.
I'm not gay, but I always thought if it was a choice
Between you've got to go fight in afghanistan
Or have sex with this man,
I would be like can I take a look at the man?
Um... So yeah.
[laughter]
Anyway, now we're getting to know each other.
That's who I am.
That's not even our big problem nowadays.
They say it's the economy.
That's what we've got to worry about - the economy this.
Everybody is talking about the economy, except on tv.
I feel like the economy is jobs, right,
But they keep talking about the stock market
As if that's it.
Every day it's the stock market went up 400,
Went down 298, went up 700, it went down -
I don't think it's hooked up to anything.
The stock market, it's crazy.
I feel like it's just a rich guy spinning a big wheel
In a secret room every day.
(makes whirring noises) oooh...
It's a bad one.
Because you can't understand the stock market.
I feel like it's crazy to try and figure it out.
You ever watch that cnbc?
It's a whole station about the stock market
And if you turn it on,
At the end of the day they all know what happened
And why it happened.
At the end of the day on cnbc,
The stock market went down 238 points and they're all,
"oh, that is because of european debt crisis
And the greek situation."
You know, they know exactly at the end of the day
What happened and why.
But you turn cnbc on at the beginning of the day
Before the market opens, they're like,
What's it going to do today?
I don't know! (laughter)
'cause you can't predict it. We can't understand it.
It's too different from us.
I've got a pet hamster now at home, which it's not mine.
It's my daughter's. I've got a daughter.
My wife and I have a daughter, 7-1/2, and she has a pet hamster
And a hamster is a confusing pet.
It's not like a dog or cat if you have those.
You can kind of figure out they want to go for a walk
Or they want to get petted or they're hungry.
A hamster is so foreign from us.
It's a nocturnal rodent and so the thing will wake up at night
And they've got a big pouch in their face.
That's how they carry stuff around.
So the hamster will go and pick up a bunch of bedding
And food and a piece of wood and put it in its mouth.
It's all swollen up.
Take it up to its wheel and puke it out
And then take a nap on it.
You're like, "why did the hamster do that?"
And then they'll wake up from the nap
And then crap on top of everything
And then it will take a jog in the wheel
And everything is spinning around.
Food and bedding is going.
The hamster is like, yeah.
The woodblock is hitting him in the head.
This is living!
That's what the stock market is like to me.
You can't, can't understand it.
[cheering and applause]
And they keep trying to oversimplify it for us
Like we're stupid when you watch the news.
The whole reason they say the economic situation
That's happening is they said at the beginning remember
That explanation where they said
The reason for the economic collapse
Is that we loan money to people buy their houses
And then they didn't pay their mortgages
And the whole economy went down the drain.
I was like really? That's it?
How many mortgages are we talking about?
There's got to be a lot.
That's my thing was like am I the only (beep)
Who's been paying his mortgage?
[laughing]
I felt kind of foolish at the beginning,
Like nobody gave me the heads up.
I've been in my house the whole time,
'well we have to pay the mortgage honey.
There's no two ways about that.'
Meanwhile all my neighbors are like mortgage?
Throw that in the trash.
What's the worst that could happen?
I know.
Evidentially they foreclose on your house.
And then you have to buy your neighbor's house for $1.
I'm pretty sure when it's all over everybody is broke
And we all move over one house.
Just, wait and see if it doesn't happen.
That's all I'm saying.
I mean... We're already broke.
They said the government said they spent a trillion dollars
On the bailout stimulus thing.
I was like, where did the government
Get a trillion dollars?
And now it turns out that's our money.
It's not even really our money.
It's our children's grandchildren's grandchildren's money,
Which is kind of the good news about the whole stimulus really
When you think about it. Right?
The people who are going to be really pissed off about it
Haven't even been born yet.
[laughter]
All we got to do is 30 years from now act cool.
We don't know anything about it.
No matter how pissed off people get,
You just act like you're more mad.
"I know, it's bull(bleep)!
But you're lucky you're young. You can bounce back."
Man, yeah, we're all broke and now the government's broke
And it's like what are we going to do?
We're going to have to start helping each other out again.
We're going to have to go back to helping each other out,
Taking care of ourselves.
Yeah, I know. (audience cheering)
Because we're kind of on our own.
You watch these politicians debate
About what are they going to do to help us out.
You listen to them about what about social security?
What if people get old and they don't have enough money?
What if people get sick and they can't take care of themselves?
The politicians are all like '(bleep) them.'
[laughter]
What?
[audience laughter]
Anyway, this has been kind of a picnic for me.
Thank you very much. I've enjoyed myself.
Please enjoy the rest of the show.
[cheering and applause]
Announcer: Up next...
Get out of the line,
get out of the line!
Announcer: Then later...
He was in that house for six years with five wives.
I would have shot my (bleep)ing self.
This is the tank they gave me in fort benning.
We're going to go hunting some whitetail deer.
The armed forces foundation supports the families
That are supporting the troops that have been wounded.
If everybody pitches in, we'll be just fine.
Go to armedforcesfoundation.Org.
[applause]
I love seeing this next guy on the road.
He's one of my favorite people.
His last special was called, "still hungry."
It came out in 2010 and who could believe
That a year and a half later he's still hungry.
Get ready for big funny and clap it up for john pinette.
[cheering and applause]
Ron told me, he said the bad news is
You have to jump through this hoop.
I said oh, I didn't read that in the contract.
I'm not very outdoorsy.
I started the year in hawaii and people say, do you surf?
Yes, odds are at any given time
If you can't find me, I'm surfing.
[laughter]
Surfing is on my list of things in my life
I never care if I do.
I have an anti-bucket list.
It rhymed with bucket.
I can tell you that much.
And surfing.
And kayaking.
I thought it was a moccasin
And I thought you had to get in it to walk to the kayak.
Zip-lining didn't work out for me.
It was safe because I just kind of lowered gently
To the jungle floor.
[laughter]
I just kind of walked across.
It was easy.
But I love hawaii, though.
They have spam as a vegetable.
The third day I had lipitor in a pepper mill
And I was just putting it on the spam.
Hawaiians are bigger people.
I love them.
I went in to buy like a hawaiian shirt.
They said, "what are you, about a medium, brother?"
[laughter]
This will be my new home. (applause)
There's a place for us.
[laughter]
I was in des moines, iowa and somebody says to me...
It's a nice place, great people,
Not a lot to do.
Somebody says to me a matter of factly,
"there's a rib festival in town.
About a thousand rib booths at the fairground.
Would you be interested in something like that?"
Get in the car!
It was like willy wonka's factory but with ribs.
Will I be like augustus gloop
Slurping from the barbecue sauce river?
(sings) "come with me and you'll see
A world of sheer imagination."
Now I have my monogram rib bib
That I carry with me on the road.
Well, thank god I packed it.
You should see me in my monogram rib bib.
I am adorable.
I look like a bob's big boy come to life.
[laughter and cheering]
It is fun.
But in the rib line, now, I don't do well in lines.
I try to maintain my cherub-like demeanor.
You know what it is? Skinny people.
You only eat ribs once a year
And you go, "what should we get?
Should we get the dry rub or the vinegar based, or...?"
Watch me. Watch me.
I know what to do here.
Get out of the line!
And I try to look like my cherub-like self on the outside
But inside there's a little man in my head going,
"get out of the line, get out of the line,
Get out of the line.
Get out of the line, get out of the line."
What is going on up there?
They got ribs.
You know what else they have?
Ribs!
What is the controversy?
I'm not patient.
I got two people in front of me at the supermarket,
I'm like, what's going on up there?
Oh she's got coupons.
You bitch!
[laughter and applause]
Now write a check for $7.
Why would you want to keep that much cash on you?
Get out of the line.
[laughter]
So you know what it is? There's too many food shows.
This is me talking here.
I mean, they have like three rib shows on.
They spinoff rib shows,
Like they're like law and orders now.
Rib boss: Criminal intent.
You've got vincent d'onofrio going, "now this is a dry rub
But there's barbecue sauce all over the van.
Just wondering here."
Questions about the ribs. Try the ribs. It's $4.00 bucks.
Give it a shot.
If the ribs sucks, what happens?
Nothing.
You move on with your life.
Get out of the line.
I just want to grab ribs, put them on my chest
And eat them like an otter.
That's all I wanted to do.
I knew what I was doing.
I hadn't been to a rib festival before
But I figured it out real quick.
I had a couple in front of me. They're chatting.
They're not even ordering ribs.
They're from omaha, nebraska.
They drove there in their brand new winnebago.
Well, it's not brand new.
9,000 miles, but it might as well be brand new.
They bought it from the neighbor across the street
Whose wife had a stroke and they couldn't travel
As much as they had wanted to.
And when mary had the stroke we were shocked but you know what?
They were selling their winnebago
And we thought well, let's buy it
Because they can use it anytime they want to
And they've been our neighbors for 23 years.
Get out of the line!
I don't remember what happened after that.
I woke up in the woods.
I guess I got ribs.
There were bones all around me.
Either that or I got a deer. I don't know which one.
I blacked out with rage.
So next week I leave,
I really do leave for a cruise to cozumel.
And the last time I was in cozumel,
I snorkeled and actually I like snorkeling.
But I got hit with a wave, like one of those surfer's waves.
And I don't know how hard
But it basically spit me onto the beach
And my bathing suit, which was very nice, acceptable,
Had speedo'd up on me.
I thought it was going to have to be surgically removed.
And as I stand up in shock in a speedo,
There's a group of japanese tourists taking pictures of me.
[laughter]
And now they want to know, "how come you buy a speedo?
You know you can see your berry.
No good.
Here's $20.
Let me rub your berry."
$360 later, I got out of there.
Ladies and gentlemen, god bless you.
Enjoy the wonderful ron white.
Thank you, ron, for having me here.
God bless you and god bless america.
Thank you.
[cheering and applause]
Announcer: Coming up...
I do have a ged,
And if you don't know what ged stands for,
You've probably got one too.
[crowd cheering]
Happy 2012, everybody!
Congratulations, we made it to the last year ever.
Here's a sign of the apocalypse,
All of a sudden I have better credit than america.
How the (bleep) did that happen, man?
Actually my credit score, my blood alcohol content
And my high school gpa are the exact same number, 1.2.
We've got to get back to manufacturing in this country,
That's all that's gonna save us.
We've got to bring those manufacturing jobs
Back to the United States.
What have we made in the last ten years in this country?
Hybrid cars.
And we make hybrid cars for people who give half a (bleep).
[laughter]
We need to cut back on fossil fuels folks, period.
We have to refuse oil
From violent unstable countries that hate us.
Because as we know,
If you borrow sugar from your neighbor,
You can't bitch when he's beating his kids.
[laughter]
America does need some fine-tuning that's for sure.
And I see valid points on both sides,
But I don't want to occupy wall street
And I don't want to join the tea party.
I think I'm just going to (bleep) a banker
And call it even.
[laughter]
One thing this country got right was killing bin laden.
We got that son of a bitch.
[audience cheering]
It took ten years, it wasn't exactly a calf rope.
He was in that house for six years with five wives,
I would have shot my (bleep)ing self.
I would've.
I would have had my head out the window
Screaming at drones, "I'm over here!"
[laughter]
I started the tour that I'm on now last summer in las vegas
And while I was in vegas,
I broke this tooth off at the gum line
In an alcohol swimming pool related incident.
Smack! (laughter)
I had a show to do in four hours.
I was drunk and missing a tooth.
It looked a little unprofessional.
Not to me, but to the fine folks at the mirage,
It (bleep) sure did.
I told 'em, I said, you've got to find a dentist
To patch this thing up,
I won't go on stage looking like this, period,
Because that tooth doesn't look that big until it is gone.
It's about the size of a dinner plate.
They found an all night dental school;
This dentist is fourteen years old.
He hooks me up to the gas and I don't feel anything.
I am like, dude you need to turn this gas up.
He says, "there are regulations of the state of nevada
Stating which code one section four." (bleep)
And I asked him, "where did you go to college?"
He goes, "brigham young."
I am like (bleep) dude, turn it up to catholic.
Never let a mormon set your buzz level.
Never, and I will tell you why.
They don't understand (bleep)ed up the way you and I do.
It was a weird week and I knew it was going to be a weird week
Because it started off weird.
I was going to go vegas a day early to do some media
And I wanted to see this show called, "love"
That's also at the mirage, where I play.
And I told my wife, I said,
"I'm leaving today at 3:30 to go to vegas
And I have airplane that you guys bought me.
I like it a lot.
Half the fortune 500 companies in america have let go
Of their private jets, not ron white, inc.
I am flying that son of a bitch straight into bankruptcy.
[audience cheering]
I guarantee you, one day I will be living
In a double wide with shag carpet
And I'll have a jet with weeds growing through it.
I will be in the front seat going, "push me around some."
[laughter]
And I don't come from money,
I come from the opposite of money, I come from, no money.
Ten years ago I lived in a camper
In my friend's back yard,
He didn't even know I was there.
It wasn't a nice camper either
It was like a home made pop up thing,
It looked like someone had duct taped a tent to golf cart.
I had a twenty inch coleman television. (laughing)
I had to pump it up during commercials.
You couldn't watch porn on it
Because no one is that coordinated.
[laughing]
I was broke, that's what I'm saying.
I owed the irs a bunch of money
Because I don't understand how that works exactly.
It's pretty confusing isn't it.
They told me that when I started doing stand up,
That it made me an independent contractor
And they said I needed to start filing
My taxes quarterly,
Which I thought meant every 25 years.
[audience laughter]
My brain just wont wrap itself around things that complicated
My brain does this, that's it.
Every couple of weeks it spits out a (bleep) joke.
I just have a different brain.
I have attention deficit disorder,
I have a learning disabilities, no kidding.
I don't have a high school diploma.
I am smart but you can't prove it on paper.
[laughter]
I do have a ged and if you don't know what ged stands for,
You probably got one too.
[laughter]
Anyway I told my wife, margo, I said,
"I am leaving today at 3:30 to go to vegas,"
And she goes, "well, I am working with a guitar player
In the studio until 5:00.
You can wait till 5:30 so I can fly with you?"
I say, "can you be there at 5:30?"
And she said, "yes," which I knew was a lie
Because she is the biggest liar I have ever met in my life
When it comes to how long it is going to take her
To be somewhere.
I hear her on the phone just lying through her teeth,
"we are two exits away, traffic is really heavy,
We should be there in fifteen minutes."
I am like, "you are in the (bleep)ing bathtub.
We wouldn't be there in fifteen minutes
If we were where you said we were."
But I told her, I said,
"if you get there at 5:30, you can fly with me,
But let me tell you something, sugar (bleep), at 5:31,
I am wheels up and I am (bleep)ing gone."
I said that.
[laughter]
Not very loud... But I said it.
5:31 gets there.
Is she there?
No.
Do I leave?
No.
6:01 gets there.
Is she there? No.
Do I leave? No.
Why?
Because this (bleep) won't (bleep) itself,
That's why, it won't.
It won't.
I have asked it to many, many times.
In fact the other day, I sat my (bleep) down
And I looked him straight in the eye
And I said, "listen,
I know I have drug you into some pretty muddy (bleep)
The last 35 years but I need you to get past that,
Learn how to (bleep) yourself
So I can grow a spine and get on with my (bleep) life."
[cheering and applause]
It went in one ear and out the other.
Announcer: Up next.
I have this recurring dream that my wife gets run over by a bus.
Does that make me a bad person?
I'm driving the bus. (laughing)
My wife came home the other day from the grocery store
And she goes I was in the produce department today
And this guy told me I was beautiful.
I went, well baby, you are beautiful.
She goes, yeah, but he said it.
Well, I'm saying it now, you're beautiful.
Yeah, but he said it.
Yeah, but I built you a gazebo.
I didn't want a gazebo, but I knew you wanted one,
And I think you're so beautiful, I built you a gazebo.
Yeah, but he said it.
Really? You ever overdraw his checking account?
You ever drive his brand new cadillac
Straight through the garage door?
Has that ever happened to that guy?
It happened to me and I think you're so hot
I'd (bleep) you anyway.
And if you're one of these guys going around the grocery stores
Telling married women they're beautiful, (bleep) you!
[laughter]
I have this recurring dream that my wife gets run over by a bus.
Does that make me a bad person?
I'm driving the bus.
[makes bus noises]
You (bleep).
[makes bus noises]
[laughter]
My wife's best friend has an autistic child named louis.
Louis is 12 years old,
He's the sweetest child I have ever known.
I've known him since he was a little kid.
We were at their house labor day,
Louis informed me that he was going to run the 40 yard dash
For the special olympics
At gwinnett high school where I live in atlanta.
He asked me if I'd come hoot for him.
I said, "louis, I'd love to come hoot for you.
I just need to check my schedule."
He goes, "we checked it, you're clear."
Then I'm your man, louis.
And I got to admit I was dreading it,
And then I ended up having fun.
I thought it was going to be sad,
That's why I didn't want to go, but it's not sad.
It's a celebration of life, is what it is.
[applause]
People are tailgating.
They're not painting their faces and bellies blue,
But they're cooking sausages getting hammered
Betting on these races.
Make no mistake about it, they are betting on these races.
And it's not easy to handicap a race.
You've got seventeen special needs kids in six lanes.
You don't know what the (bleep) is going to happen.
When they fire that starting pistol they could scatter,
Stop, drop and roll.
We saw it all that day they're not drug testing these kids.
I was up in the stands,
And I'm looking down at the track,
And they announced the 40 yard dash,
I was making a little wager on my man, louis,
Which I did for a $100 bucks, and I'm looking down there
And I'm trying to figure out which one's louis,
Which is hard because they all wear the exact same thing.
Special olympics t-shirts,
Special olympics shorts that they got that day.
But you can wear whatever footwear you want.
And louis, for whatever reason, had chosen yellow rubber boots.
Which didn't make sense at first,
Then it started raining.
I'm like, (bleep) if this thing goes off road...
[laughter]
I got a natural mudder.
And louis won, louis won first place.
The yellow blur.
[applause]
That's what I call him now, I call him the yellow blur.
He loves that nickname.
His mother called me the other day and she goes,
"would you please call louis the yellow blur?"
Put him on the phone.
You're the yellow blur.
Bing!
Those kids are having a ball, man.
It's not like professional sports.
You go to a lakers game,
You can wave at kobe bryant till your arm falls off,
He won't wave back to you.
Louis waved back to you
In the middle of the (bleep)ing race.
He doesn't give a (bleep).
Louis is fan friendly is what louis is.
Louis will stop and sign an autograph, the yellow blur.
Well, I came in third today,
But I had to stop and sign two autographs,
You know the fans come first.
You're damn right the fans come first, louis.
The fans come first.
[audience cheering]
Thank you very much, guys,
You were amazing all night long.
[cheering and applause]
¶ oh say, can you see by the dawn's early light ¶
¶ what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming, ¶
¶ whose broad stripes and bright stars ¶
¶ through the perilous fight, ¶
¶ o'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming? ¶
¶ and the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, ¶
¶ gave proof through the night that our flag was still there; ¶
¶ o say does that star-spangled banner yet wave, ¶
¶ o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave ¶
[cheering, applause]
Thank you so much.
[applause]